so the summer begins…
- i am looking for a place where i could do internship. idealistically, i should have done it this summer, but since i didnt start taking this seriously early enough, i obviously ran out of time. id like to work with something tennis related preferably, but i cant really gauge how stupidly i should be to chase after only what i want to do. it would be awesome if i ATP or ITF offers a position for the internship, but when it comes down to "ok, so what do you wanna do if they dont?", i cannot find any plan b so im like "well, what do i do now?" ive been searching through internet, but there is a big gap between what i could do and what i want to do, and ive found it pretty hard to see which one of those i should focus on to what extent.
- im thinking about quitting the job at Japanese Garden. ive been thinking about this actually for awhile now already, but its just that the job is really boring and not interesting. i mean, anybody could just stay in the garden and watch, and even though i am getting paid 8$, if it doesnt interest me at all, honestly, it is waste of my time. waste of my life. my ideal is to work with something that i am good at and make the best of myself. surely, it is better to get more money, but i wouldnt wanna learn from what i do totally reluctantly and i dont see where this would leads me, i mean, simply, i cant think positive in regard of the job at all. i heard from my new suitemate that theres a position opening at the pyramid to set up the court or the stands when we have a game of college basketball or valleyball or whatever. sure, maybe it is a little different from what i am really good at and what i really want to do, but with this job, it seems that i could find relationship with my ideal in order to lead me closer to it. the pay is just the wage and not that great and everything, but i think i’ll just go ahead and apply to try it out.
- ive got a japanese roommate for the first time since i came to america. shes two years younder than me and shes very nice, but due to one stupid unreasonable fact that she is japanese, theres something that doesnt sit right. anyhow we have heck a lot of japanese students this summer(when i say japanese, i mean japanese born and risen in japan). expecially in the dorms, where it barely has the population, the number of japanese students could be close to the half. to me, who have safely and successfully avoided the sticky collective culture of japan in america, although i like my roommate and her friends for their personality and all, to be honest, its just that i question myself or feel uncomfortable that it is japanese that i always hear or that i always speak in. its probably that i feel guilty that i am not trying my utmost on what i should be doing, and gives me stress a little bit. however, despite of this fricking hot weather, all of my suitemates keep their doors closed all the time for some reason, so even though i would love to get to know them, i dont know what i wanna do about it. this is my fourth year in the states, but all this time whenever i heard people said "living in the country doesnt automatically make you better at english" i thought that wasnt my case. but now i feel that it maybe is this summer.
- it is interesting how summer that didnt seem to be busy starts to seem busy once the school starts. virtually, however, im not that busy and i do have time. im pretty sure if i wanted to go out, i could, and of course there may not be any problem to go on a trip even if i did. however, its just that if i do allow myself to do all that, i think i’ll feel that it is infidelity to all the things that i should do now / the resolution that i made this year for myself to keep / the responsibility that i should have to what i said that im willing to work hard for, and i dont want that. of course no matter where id go, the trip would be a good experience, and i think there will be things to learn, but since im such a butt head, i sense that when what should be done is not being done, even if i try to expand the horizon, it would end up being just halfway. what is this? does this mean that im not having fun with my life? am i taking it too seriously? or rather, am i just contradicting myself because as i say what i say, im still hanging out and eating out with my friends and running and taking a so-called break from the management book and writing this? well, nonetheless, whatever i say, in the end, what i think right is all i have to believe and rely on, and that no matter how illogicalal the guilt that i feel may be, it is undeniable and i cant lie to myself is also the truth. but to be honest, if i try to think about this all the way, i think what will be there is not that i am busy or id feel guilty or anything complicated, rather its just that its too much trouble and めんどくさい will be the truest reason to myself. its too bad that if i were to say so though, that i definetely wouldnt be considered as a good person from human and human society in general and even more so in terms of human relationship. i think more than anything, that is annoying and too super めんどくさい to me…why cant we say exactly what we think although we value the honesty?
