Being productive?
The past year has been a web of lies. Not the kind that fuels fist-fights or shouting matches, but the ‘new years resolutions that don’t come to fruition’ kind. I feel I am capable of much more than I have thus far achieved. After all, I did graduate with a bachleor’s degree from UCLA. That has to imply at least a certain amount of aptitude. Through all the ego and self-awareness of my potential, though, I am still standing at the same pharmacy counter, counting pills and trying to be cordial to a crowd of customers that consists of narcotic addicts wanting to get their medication. Not that I’m complaining about my job — I like what I do; I just know there’s a lot more I should be doing. All the meanwhile, my career goes no where. I wonder why the lack of motivation, and I wonder if there’s something just wrong with me. My best friends tell me I need to pick up the dropped ball. I promise to them and I promise to myself to try harder. I promise to retake coursework, and to apply to different jobs. all a web of lies this past year. I met someone recently, and we’ve been talking. She says there are those who live in a bubble, the naive who don’t see the need or don’t have the impetus to be successful, and whom don’t see how hard and tough the real world really is. She wasn’t talking about me specifically, but since I have moved back to the shelter of my parent’s home without a clear motivation for what I want to do, it’s hard to not see a reflection of myself in that. Contrast that with what I can see of how hard she works, the ambition that drives her, all despite the success that she has already achieved, and I’m jealous. I’m really damn jealous. Is that what it really takes?? I want to be like that, damn it. In the 2 DAYS since then, I’ve applied to more jobs than I have in the past half year, and enrolled myself into a difficult curriculum at a local college. I definitely need to keep talking to this person. Perhaps I won’t be lying to myself anymore.
