Book of Days…

So I’ve largely kept to myself the fact that I’d been dating someone for the past month or so. Not with the intent on keeping any secrets or hiding anything, but there was just no reason to broadcast it.I posted earlier a bit about how she motivated me to not be so damn lazy, and I love that. It really feels like I’m making headway in life lately, which is a welcome change from my apathy the past couple years.

Problem is, she’s also a workaholic to the point where it’s unhealthy and a little crazy. Also, apparently, a workaholic to the point that I doubted she was able to handle a relationship properly, and it wasn’t working out for me. I lamented the idea of having to break up during Xmas season, and to add to it all, it was also her birthday just after Xmas. Breaking up with someone on their bday or Xmas was too much of an asshole move even for me, and I hoped to avoid it. I thought maybe I could settle for less, at least for the time being, and see how things went. It was mainly the almost complete lack of communication day to day in between when we saw each other that was the problem — when we actually saw each other, our dates always were marathon dates and we do well together in person.

 So yesterday, into another awesome date we went, starting with a candlelight dinner (yes, i CAN cook gourmet food, not just ramen!) and short hotel stay, to the following day’s horseback riding, hiking, observatory star gazing, shopping, beach walking, fooding, and a movie. Wow, that was lot to fit in a day’s time. After that awesome date, to cap off the wonderful evening…

we broke up.

With no tears but hugs kisses and smiles, it was the most bizarre and also amicable break up ever. Truth be told, I didn’t want to let go. It feels a little bittersweet, but I’m pretty happy at how things turned out. I’d say it was mutual breakup. Sometimes, as well as people get along, things just don’t work out.

The past year has been a web of lies. Not the kind that fuels fist-fights or shouting matches, but the ‘new years resolutions that don’t come to fruition’ kind. I feel I am capable of much more than I have thus far achieved. After all, I did graduate with a bachleor’s degree from UCLA. That has to imply at least a certain amount of aptitude. Through all the ego and self-awareness of my potential, though, I am still standing at the same pharmacy counter, counting pills and trying to be cordial to a crowd of customers that consists of narcotic addicts wanting to get their medication. Not that I’m complaining about my job — I like what I do; I just know there’s a lot more I should be doing. All the meanwhile, my career goes no where. I wonder why the lack of motivation, and I wonder if there’s something just wrong with me. My best friends tell me I need to pick up the dropped ball. I promise to them and I promise to myself to try harder. I promise to retake coursework, and to apply to different jobs. all a web of lies this past year. I met someone recently, and we’ve been talking. She says there are those who live in a bubble, the naive who don’t see the need or don’t have the impetus to be successful, and whom don’t see how hard and tough the real world really is. She wasn’t talking about me specifically, but since I have moved back to the shelter of my parent’s home without a clear motivation for what I want to do, it’s hard to not see a reflection of myself in that. Contrast that with what I can see of how hard she works, the ambition that drives her, all despite the success that she has already achieved, and I’m jealous. I’m really damn jealous. Is that what it really takes?? I want to be like that, damn it. In the 2 DAYS since then, I’ve applied to more jobs than I have in the past half year, and enrolled myself into a difficult curriculum at a local college. I definitely need to keep talking to this person. Perhaps I won’t be lying to myself anymore.